Peace and quiet …

I think I write more about Sunday mornings than any other day or time of the week. They are my favorite. Somehow, they always start off quietly. It honestly shocks me every week. This house, despite only having Libs and Reese here on the regular now, gets LOUD and BUSY. There is music and activity, clatter and energy. There is our familiar busyness of gathering (our STUFF) and going (to who knows where). Stillness here is RARE. This house is truly alive. And when everyone is home, it’s down right electric. But on Sunday morning, seemingly without fail, it sleeps. And it’s wonderful.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you can enjoy some peace and quiet!!!

All or nothing …

I mentioned yesterday that Reese had her hernia repair surgery. Now I know that it wasn’t a major surgery but I expected Reese to be quite mellow and even-keeled today. Nope. If she feels fine she is up playing, dancing and singing like nothing ever happened. To the point that makes this mom nervous the day after surgery! Then when she’s worn herself out, she lays down and “vegs-out” on her iPad. I’ve tried suggesting that she plays just a little gentler but she wants no part of my advice. Apparently there is no middle ground in her recovery process. HA!

Well, I hope you all have a day where it’s ALL or NOTHING!!!

Keep going …

I stayed up late last night and woke up ridiculously early this morning. To be precise, I was up after midnight and somehow managed to wake up at 4 a.m. Three hours before my alarm was set to go off. THREE. We have a busy schedule ahead of us so I really hope that this energy stays with me for the entire day or it’s going to get ugly.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you can keep going!!!

Bouncing back …

It’s official. After 20 months my sleep is FINALLY back to normal. I’m back to feeling that seven hours is like “sleeping in”. It’s wonderful! The need for so much sleep was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever physically experienced. Waking up feeling so groggy was brutal! But now I feel rested again when I wake up and I have my energy back. Every once in a while I have a bout of fatigue that is a strong reminder of what my body has been through. But on the eve of turning 50 years old, I’m happy to say that I don’t feel much different than I did turning 40. Which strangely, was also a pivotal time of recovery from my first bout meningitis. I’ll be honest this is NOT how I want to celebrate turning a new decade ever again. TWO WAS ENOUGH. But I guess as long as I come around to my old self … um, my younger self (HA!) … how can I really complain?

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel like you finally bounced back!!!

Wide awake …

Before getting sick I was an early riser. No, I mean REALLY early. I woke up before my alarm usually about 5 am, easy peasy. And FULL of energy. That has NOT been the case for 16 months now. Don’t get me wrong, the nagging fatigue is gone. THANK GOD. But waking up is a whole different ballgame for me now. I wake up groggy. No more bouncing out of bed. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. NOPE. After decades of being one way, you don’t forget it … NOT EVER. Anyway, that being said, I’m INCREDIBLY thankful for the recovery I’ve had thus far and for all the neurological bullets I dodged. I just recently had a physical and my doctor told me again how lucky I was to have had no lingering issues from the encephalopathy. She also seemed very hopeful that I’m going to one day feel FULLY like myself again. Needless to say I left that appointment feeling GREAT!

When you are in the midst of recovery and healing you don’t always feel or see the progress you have made. I can now that so much time has passed but some things still really bother me. Like the difficulty I have waking up. It’s incredibly frustrating to say the least. But as soon as I get frustrated I remind myself of how far I have come and of what could have been (EEEEK). And now I have the words my doctor said to me. I’m going to CLING to her hopefulness. And let life unfold.

This morning I received a little gift. I woke up at 4 am. All on my own. And feeling like me again. This has happened a few times now. I have learned that these mornings don’t last. Tomorrow or the next day will likely be a different story. But that’s OK. I enjoy having a glimpse of the old me. No matter how fleeting these mornings may be I couldn’t be more grateful to still have them.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are WIDE AWAKE!!!

24 Groundhog Days later and love still knows no bounds …

Today is Groundhog Day. It is also the day that my mother died. For 24 years this day has not passed without tears and sadness. Sure, some years are better than others, but generally it’s just awful. I usually spend most of the day trying to avoid contact with the outside world. I try to limit my interactions to the people who know me the best. Those brave souls who have seen me at my worst and loved me anyway. Because for the most part, on Groundhog Day, I’m a wreck.

Twenty-four years later I STILL find it difficult to maneuver through this day. I mention this because ongoing grief is not something people talk about much. The initial grief that comes from loss we all understand even if someone has never felt it. But ongoing grief is a different beast. It shocks me how it still consumes me. It can be as painful as the day my mother died. And I think I know why.

When I feel genuine love for someone and they feel it for me, it’s like this energy has been created. It’s one of the most beautiful and powerful feelings I have ever felt. Being a mother myself and now having children venturing off to college, I find that their absence, although not permanent (thank you Jesus), still leaves an energy behind. It’s a connectedness that pulls on my heart and makes me want them home with me. And it’s also that connectedness that fuels their desire to return home. The love I have experienced both as a mother and as a daughter does not understand time, distance, physics, or logic. It is almost a stronger KNOWING than faith. This love just … IS. It is a constant. And although it’s not always at the forefront of my mind, it is and (I believe) always will be present. And after 24 years of grieving I can assure you that the energy that came from the love I felt from and for my mother is still as strong as it was when I could reach out and touch her. It has never gone away. I still want her to come home. I still want to hug her and spend time with her. Put simply, I STILL want my mommy. And I’m thankful. Although these ties to her tend to cause me incredible pain on days like this, it is a reminder of the gift that God had so graciously given me. Genuine love. And I will ALWAYS be thankful for that.

Well, I hope you all have a day where love knows no bounds!!!

I feel like I’m part of a Christmas miracle …

I slept for about 5 hours last night and woke up with an energy I haven’t had in over a year. The fatigue that the meningitis left me with is almost nonexistent theses days, but my energy level and sleep patterns have not been the same. Until today. I’m not holding my breath that it will last, but I sure am enjoying a visit to my old self … and thanking God for EVERY SINGLE SECOND of it!

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel like you’re part of a Christmas miracle!!!

Still so much to learn …

We are out in the desert this week. It’s absolutely beautiful here. And I love the desert heat. I’m also incredibly fascinated by the windmills. They look and operate like moving pieces of art. I’m memorized by them. And they are a reminder that there are still so many things in this world that I know nothing about. I’m a pretty intelligent woman, if I do say so myself. But I have absolutely no idea how these things work. And I don’t care. I could watch them all day long. It makes me kind of happy that I can just enjoy them. I’m thankful that there are people who do understand them. The people who created them and operate them are brilliant in my opinion. But I wonder if they see it that way? Do they just see work and numbers? Or do they see the magnificence of them? I hope for them, the latter. Or at minimum, I hope that they know that there are people like me out here who stand in awe of their creation.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you realize you still have so much to learn!!!

Awake again …

Meningitis makes you tired. Very. It’s not just during the active part of the virus either. At least not for me. The two times I have had it the fatigue lasted a very long time. The first time it took me about 8 months for my family to really notice a difference. That’s a long time. And I think that must be my standard. Where I felt the heaviest of my fatigue pass in about April this, 6 months after I was diagnosed, my mornings remained very difficult.

I have ALWAYS been a morning person and for most of my life I’ve needed less sleep than is typical. But not since October. And it has been a hard adjustment. Don’t get me wrong, I am very pleased, as are all my doctors, with my recovery. I’ve done exceedingly well. I am beyond grateful. But the struggle I’ve faced waking up has been a real life changer. I decided sometime in May to make peace with it. It wasn’t what I wanted but I had to accept that the old me “morning me” may never return. I needed to forget about the woman who bounced out of bed in the morning before most people in her timezone ever woke up, HA! I needed to be thankful for all the extra hours God had so generously given me in the past to enjoy my day. I needed to move on and embrace the me that was left after surviving another of life’s battles. And I did. 

The came June. I’m needing less sleep and rising with a familiar energy that seems like I’ve found a long lost friend. I’m enjoying the silence of a sleeping home again. I’m working out earlier. I’m getting more accomplished throughout my day. I can’t say I’m 100% myself, but I am pretty darn close. And I really couldn’t be happier.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel AWAKE again!!!

Anything is possible …

I have said before the every time I have come to San Francisco something wonderful seems to happen in my life. Not just wonderful, but life changing. It’s a “dreams come true” kind of place for me. Now don’t get me wrong, many people feel this place is quite special. I am definitely not alone in my feelings on this one. But for me it is beyond the beauty and the history you find here. It’s a feeling and an energy that I don’t quite understand. But it certainly makes me keep wanting to come back.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel like anything is possible!!!