Wide awake …

Before getting sick I was an early riser. No, I mean REALLY early. I woke up before my alarm usually about 5 am, easy peasy. And FULL of energy. That has NOT been the case for 16 months now. Don’t get me wrong, the nagging fatigue is gone. THANK GOD. But waking up is a whole different ballgame for me now. I wake up groggy. No more bouncing out of bed. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. NOPE. After decades of being one way, you don’t forget it … NOT EVER. Anyway, that being said, I’m INCREDIBLY thankful for the recovery I’ve had thus far and for all the neurological bullets I dodged. I just recently had a physical and my doctor told me again how lucky I was to have had no lingering issues from the encephalopathy. She also seemed very hopeful that I’m going to one day feel FULLY like myself again. Needless to say I left that appointment feeling GREAT!

When you are in the midst of recovery and healing you don’t always feel or see the progress you have made. I can now that so much time has passed but some things still really bother me. Like the difficulty I have waking up. It’s incredibly frustrating to say the least. But as soon as I get frustrated I remind myself of how far I have come and of what could have been (EEEEK). And now I have the words my doctor said to me. I’m going to CLING to her hopefulness. And let life unfold.

This morning I received a little gift. I woke up at 4 am. All on my own. And feeling like me again. This has happened a few times now. I have learned that these mornings don’t last. Tomorrow or the next day will likely be a different story. But that’s OK. I enjoy having a glimpse of the old me. No matter how fleeting these mornings may be I couldn’t be more grateful to still have them.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are WIDE AWAKE!!!


Hopeful …

For most of my adult life if you were to ask me what the greatest mistake I could ever make was, I’d say it would be not fully appreciating my life. Seriously, THIS is my greatest fear. Perhaps it came from losing my mom when she and I were both so young, but that thought really bothers me. Our days may be long but our years are definitely short. For some, those years are even shorter. In my early twenties I made a decision that I wasn’t going to take one day for granted. I made it a goal to find happiness in each new day no matter what trials I faced. And I promised myself that I would relish every joyful moment I was given. I refused to live with regret or worry being the theme of my life. These choices have served me well. But I will admit, it takes a whole lotta work. It doesn’t always come easy, but this “habit” of mine is worth it.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are hopeful!!!

What if …

I realized something about myself today. I have grown to have very little patience for people who are major doom and gloom-ers. I don’t mean people who are negative at times or even people who are pessimistic by nature. I mean people who go to extreme awful places in their thoughts and decide to share them with me to drive their point home. Like somehow recruiting me into their “kooky” is going to benefit anyone. These are people who make situations worse, not better. And they attempt disguise their thoughts as helpful or precautionary. Um. No. No they are not. Don’t get me wrong. I find worrying and anxiety to be beneficial at times. They get us thinking and help call us to action. But unwarranted worry is not helpful. It’s hurtful. And it’s exhausting. To watch someone engage in this type of behavior is downright unpleasant.

I have written before that I used to be a worrier in my early 20s. I worry now, but differently. It’s far more discerning than it was when I was younger. If I worry it’s got meaning. I also believe that my optimism has won out over fear. It takes precedence in even the most unpleasant situations I face. I somehow always manage to find some room for hope. I like that about myself. I like that life and its’ mishaps haven’t made me bitter or worrisome. Life is not easy. Heck, it can me down right awful at times! But I figure I’ve come this far without losing my hope and without assuming the worse. I don’t think I’ll be changing anytime soon. So the doom and gloom-ers can steer clear of me. I’ve got better things to do. Like deal with reality. Happily and hopefully.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you don’t dwell on WHAT IF!!!


Head in the clouds …

I’ve always been a dreamer. I think it is one of my biggest flaws and one of my greatest blessings. Even when I was a young woman filled with anxiety I still managed to dream BIG. Now that I’m older many of my anxieties have fallen by the wayside which leaves lots of room for dreaming. I think that by allowing myself to dream I have had a better stronghold on hope. It really has worked for me in just about every situation I’ve been in. Even the really ugly ones. I think the ability to dream has also allowed me to maintain a certain measure of flexibility in my thoughts. If one thing doesn’t work out exactly the way I had hoped it can be easily modified. My thinking can be changed, and before I even realize it a new dream is in place. Some things have to change to bring us to the right place in our lives or to help us reach our goals, right?!?! From the bottom of my heart I believe that both God and the universe direct me in the way I need to go. I find so much comfort in that. Rigidity definitely has no place in this dreamer’s life. With all the twists and turns my life has taken I think rigidity would have been the end of my happiness. My soul would have deflated like a balloon decades ago. My spirit would have been crushed. Dreaming has kept me happy and hopeful. So … I guess I’ll just stick with it.

Well, I hope you all have a day where your head is in the clouds!!!


A glimmer of hope and a Joe’s O …

I’ve mentioned before that Reese’s biggest delay is in her oral motor development. One significant issue we have is that she doesn’t chew. Despite years of therapy and trying to teach her how nothing has “turned-on” that ability for her. Nothing. And no amounting of testing, evaluations and specialists can tell us why. So I purée, mash and grind all her food. She’s a great eater but she is choking hazard. And that’s just scary. Really, really scary.

As a parent, you do what you have to do. Therapy, puréeing, whatever. If your child has a special need, you just meet it. You change and do what you have to do to help your child thrive. The changes soon become part of your daily activities and a part of your normal routine. But in addition to these adaptions a slow disappearance of hope occurs too. You start to forget what you had originally wanted for your child. You mourn and move on.

Until this morning I wasn’t even aware of the amount of hope I had lost in this area of Reese’s development. We have adapted well to her limits and her nutritional needs are met quiet well if I do say so myself. Let’s be honest, it was no coincidence that I chose to become a certified nutrition and wellness consultant. I’ve always loved nutrition but my Reese was a huge motivator for me to get my certification.

Anyway, I say that I “realized” all this this morning because twice today Reese picked up 1/4 size pieces of Trader Joe’s Os and put them in her mouth. She needed help getting them to her molars to “chew” them but she totally got the concept. WHOA. This is HUGE.

And IT all came flooding back to me. The hope and dreams I have for my little girl.

Perhaps I’m being selfish but I also want those things for me too. Simple things that parents don’t think twice about are things that Reese and I have never experienced together. I have never seen my daughter delight in eating her birthday cake. I have never seen a smile come across her face when she was given her favorite cookie. And I’ve never not worried that she would choke if I wasn’t there to meticulously monitor her food intake. Yes, I selfishly want all that … for her.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are given a glimmer of hope!!!


A positive outlook …

I woke up to another new and beautiful day. Twenty-four hours that I feel are full of potential, with new opportunities waiting around every corner. A day where I can see and experience all sorts of unexpected and wonderful things. New relationships could be just one brave “Hello” away. Yep, that is how I see things. And yes … I feel this way almost every freaking day. 

Well, I hope you all have a day where you have a positive outlook!!!


Old habits are hard to break … 

I hope that I never lose my ability to embrace each day as a new beginning. New hopes. New chances. A fresh start! Every. Single. Day. I’ll admit that there have been a few times in my life when this was much harder to feel but that never seems to last very long. And trust me, my life is NOT perfect! Not. At. All. Even recently, when I was sick, there were some seriously ugly gloom-filled days. Yet somehow I always seem to bounce back into my optimistic self. I know it’s a gift and I value it like a treasure. I couldn’t even tell you how I do it. It just happens. It’s like I have a magical reset button that gets pressed at night when I sleep. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I’ve also managed to survive some pretty SUCKY experiences and still have it intact. So I guess it’s going to take a lot to change me. A WHOLE LOT. And I like that.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you find that your old habits are hard to break!!!