A sock puppet …

Scrolling through Facebook today I saw a Target ad. It was the picture of a sock puppet. I have no clue why but it struck me as the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. It was the silliest looking sock face, with multiple eyes. And it amused the heck out of me!

Well, I hope you all had a day where you laughed your butt off!!!

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On a soapbox …

Why do grown adults make fun of people? I just don’t get it. We aren’t in 1st grade people! If someone has a character flaw or oddity, handle it maturely. Be kind. And be a good human! If that flaw or oddity is harming them in some way, HELP THEM. If it’s harming you in some way, don’t associate with them anymore. If their oddities or flaws are harmless, ACCEPT THEM. And if you don’t know them, SHUT THE HECK UP. Because until you have walked, breathed, slept and rolled around in their shoes for a good long while, you have no business judging them, let alone making fun of them.

There. I feel better now.

Well, I hope you all had a day where you hopped up on your soapbox!!!

Peace of mind …

Today was a good day. A day that I had somehow managed to doubt, at least at times, would ever come.

I’m not sure if it’s a “losing a parent young” thing or just losing a parent in general that sets one’s mind thinking. But I do know this, I never really knew for sure if I would eventually follow in my mother’s footsteps. I wondered, over the past almost 21 years, if I would make it to 46 years and 167 days. And if I did, would it be Breast Cancer free? Would I somehow be able to dodge THAT bullet? What could I possibly do to keep myself from having the same fate as the parent I identified with most?

Despite years of fitness and healthy eating, I learned it’s not a guarantee of continued health or a barrier between myself and the threat of cancer. Cancer doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t discriminate. It takes who it wants, when it wants … it’s a BASTARD that way.

But after all the fear, worry and doubt. I made it.

This morning, as I sat at the table with Reese, I listened to our morning noise. The sounds that go along with getting four kids off to school were strikingly familiar and somehow comforting. And then it struck me … something was missing. I couldn’t believe it. It was so tangible and real … the absence of the clatter in my head. A burden that was once there, gone. Today was literally the first day of the rest of my life without worry of not “getting there”. A sense of relief washed over me. Oh, I had indeed GOTTEN HERE … and the knowledge was absolutely freeing.

Well, I hope you all had a day where you found some peace of mind!!!

46 years, 167 days and counting …

Today is a DOOZEY.

Next Monday is Ground Hog Day … the day my mother passed away. It will be 21 years without her.

No matter how hard I try, this day and the few leading up to it, never get easier. On top of that, today I am officially the age at which my mother passed away. She lived 167 days past her 46th birthday and today I am exactly that age. Yes, I’m kooky enough to have figured this all out. Tomorrow I will have lived a longer life than my mother did. It is heartbreaking that she was born, lived a life, battled cancer twice and died all in that short time. It’s hard to wrap my head and heart around it. Wow.

Perhaps had my mother not died so young, things like this wouldn’t bother me so much. I have said before that when I had meningitis I got a glimpse of what she went through.

There were about three days when my labs confirming whether I had viral or bacterial meningitis were not in. Viral I would likely survive with varying side effects, and thankfully I did. But if it had been bacterial … um … that probably wouldn’t have ended so well.

It was a strange three days. I remember only a few things. I’d wake to various friends and family sitting with me in the dark. People holding my hand. I remember my husband bathing me because I was scared to let anyone else touch me. I felt so vulnerable. I missed my children desperately, but wanted them as far away from me as possible. God forbid they catch it! And when I was lucid enough, I wondered what would become of them. What could be in store for them if they were to lose me at such a young age? They were so little, 9, 7 and 4 years old. Reese hadn’t even been born! It broke my heart thinking of what they would go through. It wasn’t about me lying there facing my own mortality. It was all about them. I wanted them to know I would never leave them willingly. That they were the only things that ever truly mattered in my life. They were my purpose. My greatest love. My purest joy.

Days like this, I battle many demons. Demons that won’t ever go away. They may lay still or quiet but they always come back to fight. I have accepted this. I don’t like it, but it is part of my story. My life. I believe that had I not loved my mother so fiercely and genuinely that the demons wouldn’t be quite so unrelenting. But I did. And I am so very grateful for what my mother gave to me.

On days like today and Ground Hog Day, I remind myself that, although I didn’t get to experience life with my mother as long as I had expected or hoped, her love, influence and example were strong enough to last my entire lifetime. A lifetime that is now longer than hers … wow.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are thankful for every love-filled moment you are given!!!