Good Morning World! Today I have JOY in my heart. More than usual! I feel so much relief now that Reese’s surgery is over. I already see positive changes in her! My son, George, is home from college for Spring Break. This is ALWAYS good! And despite a little rain coming on Wednesday the weather here is absolutely GORGEOUS. My heart is SO FULL!
Well, I hope you all have a HAPPY DAY!!!
I mentioned yesterday that Reese had her hernia repair surgery. Now I know that it wasn’t a major surgery but I expected Reese to be quite mellow and even-keeled today. Nope. If she feels fine she is up playing, dancing and singing like nothing ever happened. To the point that makes this mom nervous the day after surgery! Then when she’s worn herself out, she lays down and “vegs-out” on her iPad. I’ve tried suggesting that she plays just a little gentler but she wants no part of my advice. Apparently there is no middle ground in her recovery process. HA!
Well, I hope you all have a day where it’s ALL or NOTHING!!!
Last night, after a very long and very exciting day (I’ll explain why in a later blog), I somehow got Reese into bed early. This is good because she has her hernia repair surgery tomorrow and I want her going into it as strong as possible. Sleep is so important leading up to something like this and it will be a huge part of how her little body will recover after. But, I guess her mama’s body was needing that sleep too.
Last night I laid down with Reese. We said her prayers and snuggled. And I don’t remember another thing after that. I woke up three hours later, thinking I had just dozed off. Talk about completely disorienting! I thought for sure I would never fall back to sleep. I was wrong. I slept for almost another 7 hours! WOW! With as conscientious as I am about my health, I am often amazed at how much I fail to see what my body really needs. Tomorrow will be long and stressful so I am glad that today I feel great and ready to tackle anything. And I am once again thankful for God’s hand in helping me be at at my best for Reese. As a mom, I just keep going, often times piling more on my plate than I have room for. I’m grateful that God sees this. And despite the piles of unfolded laundry and the dirty dishes in the sink, God knew it was more important to give me rest than it was to give me more time in my day to complete chores. He is awesome that way.
Well, I hope you all have a day where you receive an unexpected gift from God!!!
Reese went back to school today. Before we left she said she was “excited” to see her friends. This settled my nerves … a little. The plan was to have me pick her up after lunch recess to shorten her first day back and for me to be notified if she couldn’t make it that long. The only message I received today was an email from her teacher telling me that she was eating and playing and all smiles. THAT was a good email! I don’t know what I expected but when I picked her up Reese looked great. She told me that she was a little tired but excitedly showed me a card and gift that her class had given her. Despite how last week unfolded for us, today was really no different than any other day. Again, I am not sure what I really expected, but I sure do like how this day turned out.
Well, I hope you all had a day that felt normal!!!
In 2016 I survived. BARELY. In 2017 I recovered. THANKFULLY. And in 2018 I lived. HAPPILY. I feel like I loved and found peace and contentment in every moment that I was given this year. I felt joy and found happiness even on my toughest days. And for some reason this came easier than it ever has. I let go of A LOT. Sometimes maybe more than I should have. But I make no apologies. It’s what felt right in the moment that I was sitting in. Sure there are things that I wish I could change and things that I wish I had done differently, but for the most part, 2018 was exactly what I needed it to be. It was life, my life, unfolding and evolving in the most normal of ways. I needed a year like this. BIG TIME. And I am grateful that God blessed me with it. As each day passed I tried to cherish each moment as a treasured gift. I think I did a pretty good job of that. I took each situation and circumstance for what they were and stayed in the moment. I was PRESENT feeling my way through and learning what I could. It was not a year full of change or movement or victories, but it certainly was a year that was packed full of wonderful memories. Memories that were made with some incredible souls. There is no doubt that 2018 was a good year for me.
So what then, can I expect from 2019? The last few days of 2018 I spent a lot of time trying to come up with my New Year Mantra. I have done this for so many years now that it should be easy. But it never is. I really put a lot of thought into it because this one word will follow me for the next 365 days. It is a reminder of what I choose to accept and bring into my life. Last year I chose the word “Free” and I can’t tell you how accurate that became. In 2018 I allowed myself to be freely me and I loved it. Even the messy parts. I didn’t push too hard to grow. I didn’t push too hard to succeed. I didn’t cling to or reach for much of anything. I was just grateful to have the moments God felt I needed. I guess years like this come when you overcome some ugly things. Well, at least it did for me. And again, it felt right.
I remember after my mom passed away, I asked God for some time to JUST BE. I didn’t want to grow or change or mature or be anymore than what I was. Basically I asked for a life break! But it wasn’t what I wanted long term. I just wanted enough time to allow what happened to me to sink in so that I could move gracefully into my future. And He graciously let me have it.
I feel like that was what 2018 was for me. A break. A time when I got back to the basics of ME and nurtured the NEW me that I became after being sick again. This me is different for sure. But I wouldn’t necessarily say it came from growth. It is more along the lines of acceptance. In a good way. Like finding peace over things that I cannot or won’t change. Being content with less. Processing more. Seeing situations clearer. Thinking harder. Appreciating more. And loving deeper in every day that passed and in every experience I had. And never wanting more.
So after a year like 2018, what one word could possibly hold the meaning to all I want 2019? I absolutely loved everything about 2018 but I believe that it’s time to feed the passions that God has poured into me. Again. To do this I need to feed my soul with beautiful things and avoid toxicity as much as possible. I need to make sure that the people who I walk through this life with and the people who I choose to expose myself to are genuine, kind and live with good intentions. I want reciprocal and loving connections with humans who are REAL. I truly feel that God has been calling me for more and to accept less from others could hinder my reply to His calling. To deny the fire that He has placed in my heart would be innately wrong. I see it as squandering the days that I have been given and living disingenuously. But this is a tough one for me. Putting myself out there again, taking chances, setting goals, and chasing dreams is especially difficult coming out of the year I just had. I was comfortable and safe. But I cannot deny that God is moving me to live my truth. Oh boy, is He ever! So I guess I just have to trust Him and know that I’m ready for whatever my future holds. I need to believe that I am capable of whatever He places on my heart and I need to live faithfully, genuinely, passionately and bravely in their pursuit.
Well, I hope you all have a YEAR where you live authentically!!!
It’s official. After 20 months my sleep is FINALLY back to normal. I’m back to feeling that seven hours is like “sleeping in”. It’s wonderful! The need for so much sleep was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever physically experienced. Waking up feeling so groggy was brutal! But now I feel rested again when I wake up and I have my energy back. Every once in a while I have a bout of fatigue that is a strong reminder of what my body has been through. But on the eve of turning 50 years old, I’m happy to say that I don’t feel much different than I did turning 40. Which strangely, was also a pivotal time of recovery from my first bout meningitis. I’ll be honest this is NOT how I want to celebrate turning a new decade ever again. TWO WAS ENOUGH. But I guess as long as I come around to my old self … um, my younger self (HA!) … how can I really complain?
Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel like you finally bounced back!!!
I want to say all of this today, since tomorrow I will just be too busy (and scattered). My heart is so vested in these words that I fear that if I start crying that I might not stop. So if I wrote them tomorrow that would be bad because Sunday is race day.
This will be the first full marathon I will run since I got sick. I’ll be fighting a lot of demons out there Sunday. Yes, I can run. I’ve proved that time and time again. BUT can I run THAT distance again? Do I still have what it takes? I honestly and fearfully don’t know.
But with the love, support, guidance and encouragement of my family, friends and doctors, I get to find out. It’s a miracle I have been given this chance again. And I do not take any of it for granted. It is because of these incredible souls that I am even willing to try.
It’s hard to put yourself out there like this. REAL hard. Even under the best and healthiest of circumstances it takes all you have. Being knocked down physically has only made this task more difficult and one of the biggest mental challenges I have ever faced. But I promised myself something years ago when I took a chance on running seriously again. If I do this, I won’t give it up. I wouldn’t do that to my heart again. Running matters to me. It is the part of me that propels me into a fearlessness that I have never know otherwise. And I don’t want to let it go. Not ever.
The point of all my emotional rambling (HA!) is to publicly thank each and every person who has walked through this season of life with me. The season that robbed me of so much, but gave me back even more than I could have ever imagined.
SO without further adieu … to those beautiful souls who have cheered me on, from those first steps that I took with my walker, to the start line this Sunday morning … I humbly and genuinely thank you for believing in me. I couldn’t have done all of this without all of you.
Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel eternally grateful!!!