BOLT UP AND RUN …

Some days “Get up and go” is an understatement. It just doesn’t seem to adequately describe the pace I must keep to finish my day!

Well, I hope you all have a day where you BOLT UP AND RUN!!!

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Hopeful …

For most of my adult life if you were to ask me what the greatest mistake I could ever make was, I’d say it would be not fully appreciating my life. Seriously, THIS is my greatest fear. Perhaps it came from losing my mom when she and I were both so young, but that thought really bothers me. Our days may be long but our years are definitely short. For some, those years are even shorter. In my early twenties I made a decision that I wasn’t going to take one day for granted. I made it a goal to find happiness in each new day no matter what trials I faced. And I promised myself that I would relish every joyful moment I was given. I refused to live with regret or worry being the theme of my life. These choices have served me well. But I will admit, it takes a whole lotta work. It doesn’t always come easy, but this “habit” of mine is worth it.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are hopeful!!!

A survivor (times 2) …

One year ago today I woke up early and headed for the gym. I did some speed-work and clocked my fastest 1/4 mile (7:13). Not to shabby! I went home and continued on with my typical morning routine. Then I headed to my dental cleaning. This would be that last time I would feel like myself for months.

Later that day I would find myself in an ER with symptoms I was all to familiar with. I was sick. And despite the fact that no one believed me I knew my body. I had meningitis. Again.

Today is the one year anniversary of my second round of meningitis. Still with so many questions left unanswered. That alone is a demon I must face every day. I have become obsessed with Facebook memories. Trying to find some clue as to how I got so sick so fast. Again. There is nothing there. Nothing. I finished a week of 100,000 logged on my Fitbit. I mention twitchy legs, crazy fast speed-work and a rest weekend. It was to be a well deserved break from my training that was going better than I ever could have hoped for. I was strong and healthy. Race ready. There was nothing in those memories that would indicate that I would become so sick in just mere hours. How can anyone’s brain be that swollen and they not show any signs or symptoms?!?! It’s baffling. Utterly.

There are days that I still feel like a ticking time-tomb. I’m not sure if that feeling will ever go away. The memory of this experience and the fall-out afterward will always be unsettling. The “unknowns” are worrisome at best. But I refuse to cave into fear and let it immobilize me. Life is too precious for that. I thought battling meningitis once was bad enough. Twice, just seems insulting. But I truly believe that life gives us lessons for reasons. Reasons we might not ever understand. And THAT gives me my peace. Trust me, I can easily focus on all the things that this illness has robbed me of. How disruptive it was to, not just my life, but my family’s and friends’ lives as well. I can resent the fact that I still don’t feel like myself and that I fear it happening all over again. I can focus on the anger I feel when I see my precious kids worrying about my smallest of ailments. Children shouldn’t have to worry like that! OH, if meningitis was a person I would have punched it in the throat long ago!

Anyway, as I see it I have two options. I can choose the road paved with anxiety, fear and bitterness … OR … I can be thankful that I even had a road in the first place.

Let’s face it, life is not always easy. Crap happens through no fault of our own. But life can still be beautiful. I’d be lying if I said this illness hasn’t changed me. It has. I am not the same woman who woke up on this day a year ago. I am, for better or worse, the Jennifer I was supposed to be on this day and in this moment. Meningitis helped shaped me. And I’m OK with that. I am an ever-evolving woman who accepts that change and defeat and pain are an acceptable way to form me into the woman I am meant to be. Meningitis was a pit stop. OK fine, TWO. But it wasn’t my final destination. God and the universe clearly are not done with me yet and that’s good … because I still have dreams. And as long as I have breath, scared or not, I will chase them.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are a survivor (times 2)!!!

Feeling it …

It has been a long week filled with many ups and downs. But really, what week isn’t? I believe that life is best lived when it is felt with raw emotion. When life happens, good or bad, and we must simply “roll with it”. Those times when we are immobilized by fear and sadness. Or when we are overwhelmed with joy and feelings of being loved. When laughter and tears are experienced without force. All of it, real. Genuine. And perfect for the situation that we find ourselves in. It is in these precious moments that I am most alive. Proof, that I am not missing out on the lessons and gifts that life has for me. I love “owning” it. THIS IS MY LIFE. Ugly or beautiful … I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel it!!!

Fed up and frustrated …

I’m having one of THOSE moments. Luckily they don’t ever last very long with me. But boy oh boy, this one is a DOOZEY.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you aren’t fed up and frustrated!!!

Happily out-dated …

Soooo I am not good about software changes for my cell phone. I will avoid them for months! Heck, I even had a phone once where I avoided it the entire time I had the phone.

Why you ask?

It’s like getting a new phone all over again. And sadly, last night I accidentally allowed the software update. Ugh. All day I’ve been struggling to re-learn my darn phone. It looks weird. Things aren’t in the same place. I don’t like it! I want my old phone back. Bad.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are happily out-dated!!!

Finding Waldo and me …

Typically I keep the location setting on my cell phone turned off. I turn it on only when I need it for something. One of those things is running. I need it to track my miles. Usually I remember to turn the setting on before I go into my running app. Today, apparently I didn’t. And I was clueless. Instead of loading my street map it loaded a map of Canada, the US and Mexico. I had never seen this before and because I didn’t realize my location services were off, I stood there looking at my phone waiting for it to find me. It didn’t happen. I was at a loss. It must have been way to early to run (or think) because I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t zooming in on me or identifying me with something. A star. A dot. Something! Nope. Nothing. WHERE WAS I?!?? As I waited patiently (and a little panic-y) to be located I must have come to a higher level of awareness. OH, MY PRIVACY SETTING MUST BE OFF. Needless to say, I turned it on and found myself.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel like Waldo!!!