Peace of mind (ain’t happening around here today) …

As a parent, you worry. I am pretty sure that my kids think that I worry more than the average mom. I tell them, JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE CHILDREN! Anyway, early this morning Sidney headed back to college … in her new car. Although I’m extremely thankful that she has a new and reliable car, that drive back to school still gets me. She’s got over 6 hours of driving ahead of her. Not including breaks. And that just makes me nervous. I am not sure if I’ll ever get UN-nervous about things like this. Again, I worry. A LOT. And I LOVE my kids A TON. So today I’m just going to try to keep myself busy and not check her location 473 times. I’ll try to keep that to about 307. HA and UGH.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you find some peace of mind!!!

Advertisements

Finding out who you are …

Over the weekend I found myself at Urgent Care with Reese. Saturday night she presented with some signs and symptoms that seemed vaguely familiar to me. After putting all the pieces together, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Reese has a hernia. Sure enough, my suspicions where right. She was diagnosed with an abdominal hernia, and after seeing her pediatrician yesterday, they suspect that she may also have a small ulcer from stomach acid and the stress she experienced from vomiting so much. This makes everything she has been through the past few weeks finally make sense to me. Which thankfully brings me a lot of peace of mind. Not knowing was very upsetting. But with the learning of this kind of information, actions must follow. This is when being a social worker, with a boatload of medical experience, and a mom all seem to come together perfectly. Or so, this is my hope.

If you ask most people who know me, they will say that I’m a pretty happy and excitable person. But when it comes to stressful situations, I’m calm. Unusually calm. So calm that it often angers my children. They think I’m too “matter-of-fact” sometimes. But I honestly, can’t help it. Usually when I’m presented with a fairly stressful situation I consider the information I am given with objectivity and discernment. I look at all of the facts, tap into my existing knowledge on the topic, research any questions that I may have, develop a plan and go from there. This whole process gives me a feeling of control over seemingly out of control situations. This also pairs nicely with a promise that I made with myself long ago as a way of dealing with some anxiety that I was experiencing. I don’t worry about ANYTHING unless it is literally sitting on a plate in front of me. The bottom line is, for the most part, I can remain rational when most people can’t. But I will tell you that as a parent, having dealt my children’s health issues in the past and as of present, this can become hard. REAL HARD. I am thankful that I can boast a pretty successful track record of “pulling it together” … so far.

I admit that in the past few weeks I have been emotional regarding Reese’s health. Her symptoms have been concerning and I was presented with no solid answers to why she was experiencing them. Well, we had some, but my mama’s instinct said that there was more. And there was. But that period of unknowing really unnerved me. Thankfully, we now know what we are dealing with. And even better, it’s fixable. THANK YOU GOD.

So now it’s time for action and THIS what I’m good at. THIS I can handle.

Today we see the surgeon. It is all happening much faster than I expected. I’ve already done a ton of research on treatment plans and I feel ready for this meeting. Finally KNOWING the UNKNOWN I feel confident again. I want my daughter pain-free, symptom-free and restored to her happy healthy active self. I know that these goals will keep me focused, grounded and driven. And that feels good.

When I earned my MSW in 1995 it was YEARS before Reese was even a thought in my head. Yet it is through her that I have a complete understanding of my being. You see, God knew she was coming. Gracefully and purposely He molded me into exactly what Reese would need to live her best life. He educated me through books and life and love to turn me into the mommy I am today. A mommy full of crazy fierce protective unconditional love for this incredible little girl who has so much to teach the world. Today that mommy and the social worker in me collide (again) and I get the privilege of doing my life’s calling, my purpose, for her. For this amazingly beautiful little soul that God has gifted me with to raise and to love. I can’t help be but humbled by His trust. And grateful. So. So. Grateful.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you find out who you are!!!

Rise …

My chores were done yesterday. I got a good night of sleep. I woke to beautiful blue skies. And EVERYONE here is healthy. If that doesn’t motivate me, nothing will. My mood has lifted. After last week, I feel renewed. Restored. Ready. I am grateful to be worry-free. Well, at least for the moment. This kind of energy feels INCREDIBLE after the despair I felt last week. It was dark. I felt our skies agreed. We had more rain falling than I had seen in years. I honestly felt like I was in a pit deep with fear. When your child is sick you feel so helpless. And that feels horrible. But Reese is fine now. GOD IS SO GOOD. And I have climbed out of that hole. I am back standing in the light. And I am THANKFUL. So, so THANKFUL.

During yoga this morning, I stretched my body taller and reached high into the sky so that I could physically take in as much of this day as I could. I have taken so many deep breathes today. In relief and to absorb this easiness of this day into my soul. I don’t want to waste one moment of how I feel. The weightlessness of this day is a gift and I will treat it as such. I choose to be present. To balance. To enjoy. To serve others. To love. To chase my dreams. And to bravely wear my purpose. To me, THIS is living my best life with all that God has given me. I don’t have to, I want to. I choose embrace this day and to be open to all that it brings me.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you rise!!!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming …

It was a ROUGH week. Reese was in the emergency room TWICE. She’s never been that sick. I don’t think I have worried about her like that since she was 2lbs and in the NICU. It was scary to say the least. Thankfully she is recovering well and is her happy healthy self for the most part. Her appetite and energy aren’t quite back to normal yet, but they are getting there. So needless to say I pretty much abandoned our normal way of life this past week. It’s honestly all a big blur now. Being gone last weekend didn’t help either. I can’t tell you how many times I had to ask what day of the week it was. I was so LOST! But I can’t let a week like this pass without mentioning our VILLAGE. The friends and family who ALWAYS have our back. Their love and support are the REAL DEAL and we are blessed to walk through life when them. They make tough times easier and good times even better. The seasons we have shared with them have weaved into a lifetime of memories that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I honestly couldn’t be more thankful for these beautiful souls!

So, I guess there is only one thing left to do now that things have gone back to normal around here. OK fine, OUR normal. HA!

Well, I hope you all have a day where you get back to your regularly scheduled programming!!!

Everything hurts and I’m dying (I’m so extra) …

This morning I ran an easy 3-miler. It will be the last time I run until race day. You would think this “easy” run would, in fact, be EASY. But it’s not. These last few miles I have come to call the “hypochondria miles”. The last of my tapering drama insanity nutso-ness is summed up in what are truly the final steps of my marathon training. I worry about every feeling I … um … feel.

Why does my Achilles feel that way? OH MY GOD IT MUST BE A TEAR!

Why am I breathing like that? MY LUNG MUST HAVE COLLAPSED.

Does my heart usually do that? YES, YES IT BEATS.

Is this harder than it should be? MY GOD ITS ONLY 3 MILES! HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE IT ANOTHER 23.2?!?!

Good Lordy, I literally have to tell myself to SHUT UP and just RUN.

Well, I hope you all have a day where everything doesn’t hurt and you don’t think you’re dying!!!

Loose coffee lids, drooling and unnecessary panic …

This morning after I drove Libs to school I had a brief moment to just sit. So I decided that I would SIT in bed. YES, I went back to bed with coffee in hand. I was like, WHY NOT?!?! I deserve a calm moment before I jump into my busy day. So I settled in and started going through my emails.

Now, I have to explain something before I go on. I always use a disposable lidded to-go cup on school mornings. I know they are wasteful but I’m in and out of the house so much and have to walk away from my coffee so frequently, that I found that they spare me from spills and drinking cold coffee. So, I use them.

Now, back to my morning. Engrossed in my emails, I took a sip of my coffee, and suddenly had a warm feeling between my … boobs. I was a little surprised, but GET THIS. I just assumed that I had drooled all over myself. DROOLED. Like that is something normal for me?!?! Not thinking anything of it I cleaned myself up and went back to my emails. When I went to take another sip of my coffee I reminded myself to be careful not to drool all over myself again. Because that is what you do when you are suddenly and spontaneously a new drool-er. But guess what?!?! It happened again, ONLY WORSE! It was like a coffee boob bath! This time I was a bit more concerned. WHAT is wrong with my face?!?! WHY can’t I get this coffee into my mouth like usual?!?! Have I COMPLETELY lost this ability?!?! And if I have, WHY?!?!

So, what do I do?

I begin to do a mini medical assessment. I feel around on my face. Am I numb? Do I have facial dropping? Yes folks, THIS is where I went with my thoughts. OY.

PERHAPS, the first thing I should have checked was the lid to my coffee cup … like a normal person. Ya know, to see if it popped off. LIKE IT HAD. No major medical crisis here. Just an unsecured lid and a coffee drinker with a wild imagination. Good Lordy.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you don’t panic for ABSOLUTELY no reason at all!!!

Squirrels and ice skates …

I’m on Day 2 of my taper. For those if you who don’t know what that is, it’s when marathon training miles significantly decline. Miles decrease so that your muscles have time to mend before race day. There is a whole science behind it that I don’t necessarily understand, but I trust it. Anyway, taper time is usually hard for me. Many runners that I know also find it to be an uncomfortable time. It’s a waiting game until race day. For me I usually get super worried I’ll get sick or end up injured. I’d love to just sit in a protective bubble the next few weeks. But that obviously can’t happen, so I walk around like a nut for a few weeks. My family loves it … NOT. Anyway, I’m having a particularly rough time this go around. I’m only two days in and it’s been ROUGH. Last night my taper even invaded my dreams! I dreamt that I adopted a wild squirrel. Rather he adopted me. He refused to leave our house so I kept him. He was super fluffy and mischievous. I gave him a bath and took him to the vet. I even let him sleep on the pillow next to me. He was so cute! If that wasn’t strange enough, after I got my new pet settled I went ice skating to get over my fear of falling. CLEARLY I have been running with the early morning squirrels for far too long. And as for my fear of falling, it’s real. I slipped last November when we were up in the mountains. I came down hard and I hurt my back and tailbone. It stirred up all sorts of memories for me. One being a freak accident that I was in when I was 15 years old that left me with a broken vertebrae. It pretty much squelched all my running dreams at the time. My up-coming race is downhill. You tend to pick up a lot of speed coming down those hills. And it’s been in the back of my head that I could fall again. I guess somehow my early morning encounters with squirrels and my fear of falling leaked into my subconscious thoughts last night. And combined. Good Lordy. Race day can’t come soon enough.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you don’t mix everything together!!!