After all our short trips and our crazy busy summer schedules I was happy to fall into MY bed last night. With nothing planned today I think my body finally allowed me to just CRASH. I slept for almost 10 hours. That is HUGE for me! And my mind and body surely appreciated it. With over 3 weeks left in our summer I now think I can make it to the end, HA!
Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel restored and ready to go on!!!
Today is not a normal run day for me, but I ran anyway. I woke up so grateful for my health that I just had to run. I know that non-runners will probably not understand this at all. I will admit, it sounds a little crazy to me too, HA! But it’s where I’m at and I just had to run.
I ran because I can. Because I truly love it. I ran because there were many times over the past few months when I couldn’t run and I was plagued with thoughts that I may never be able to run again. Running is so personal to me and without it I felt lost. I’ve been through a lot in my life, but the thought of losing that part of ME almost broke me.
I am not completely restored but I’m getting there. I still battle fatigue and have issues with my back from the lumbar puncture, but I honestly couldn’t be happier with my progress. When I woke this morning and laid in my bed I was contemplating whether a run was in my best interest. My miles aren’t high so I took the chance and promised myself I’d keep it an easy run. As a distance runner you can face many runs that are unpleasant. This run was perfect. Not because it was long or because I was fast. Neither of those things happened today. It was because with every footstep against the pavement I felt alive.
Starting over is never easy. Specially talking running, it is without a doubt, humbling. But it reminds me of how far I’ve come since the first day I took a chance to run again all those years ago. Today I can say it was worth the struggle. And I know it will be this time too.
As I came to the last half mile of my run I thanked God for brining me through another tough time. I’m still trying to make sense of all of it, but I’ve found peace in it too. Things happen, sometimes just to bring you back to another new beginning. And that’s OK by me.
As I neared my home the shuffle on my playlist switched to a new song. It instantly made me smile. It was the first song that I ran to when I starting running with music. Dancing Queen by ABBA. It was perfect timing to say the least. No, I am not 17 anymore and I hardly dance anymore either. But I do run and I do plan on “having the time of my life” finding myself again.
Well, I hope you all have a day where you get to do what you love!!!
Sid came home from college today. I can’t believe how good it feels to have her back. My heart and soul are at peace. This is how my life feels most right. We are all together again and I feel a sense of relief.
THEY say that when you have children they become a physical extension of you. That your heart is literally walking around outside of your body. I agree, that this is spot on. I have not felt right since the day we left Sidney at school in August. I have missed her. I have felt “off” and like things are not the way they should be. It’s like a piece of me went missing.
I’ve been told that over time, these feelings get better. That their absence gets more tolerable. That life between their visits becomes more normal as the years pass. And although I see glimpses of this now, I am in no way near living in that state full time. I miss my daughter horribly. Every. Single. Day.
Trust be told, I’m OK never accepting that life as we knew it is no longer. Why? Because relationships this powerful deserve the respect of our true feelings. Loving so genuinely comes with a process, and on some levels that means feeling grief. Grief is something I learned to make peace with long ago. And in this particular situation, I find comfort in knowing that my grief stems from something wonderful. My baby girl, out there, chasing her dreams and becoming the woman she wants to be. There is a beauty in that. It makes her absence acceptable. Understandable. And as a mother, it is everything I could ever want for her.
That being said, today, with her here, all is right in my world. Balance has been restored. That part of me that was missing has been found. I feel whole again. And I simply couldn’t be happier.
Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel complete!!!