I forgot …

We were out all day yesterday exploring and I did something that I don’t think I’ve ever done before. 

Blog … woman. You have a daily blog. Oooops!

Well, I hope you all have a day where you have so much fun that you forget your normal routine!!!

Happily falling apart …

Most people who know me would say that I hold it together unusually well during times of stress and change. I deal with things straightforward. What’s on my plate that day, gets my effort and attention. When I was younger I was a worry wart. I was anxious about EVERYTHING. That all faded away. Now I save my efforts for the real stuff and even then I remain pretty calm. And optimistic. It drives my crew crazy sometimes. I think they want to see more “emotion” out of me. Trust me, I am one emotional woman. I’m a crier. I laugh at just about everything. And I’m usually the happiest person in the room. But when it comes to stressful situations or change I just gave up freaking out about them. It’s way easier to just deal with them. In a “matter-of-fact” kind of way I muddle through the tough times. I do make a TON of lists. They tend to keep me focused. Plus they are a great visual for me to measure my progress through the problem or situation I’m currently in the thick of.

Regardless of what I’ve been dealing with, when the day comes when I feel like I am finally passed it, I tend to fall apart. I’ll cry more, sleep like a rock and sometimes I get sick. It’s like my mind and body can finally let their defenses down. It’s funny. Even though this is when I feel like a mess, it’s also a time when I feel my strongest. It’s like earning another battle scar. And it’s a reminder that I am a survivor. Again.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you happily fall apart!!!

Proud … 

If I had to describe this past school year I would describe it as CHALLENGING. It started off as any other year had … and then craziness ensued. Getting sick is one of the most selfish things I could have ever done to my kids, my family and my friends. It derailed all of us.

Do I really believe it was my fault?

No. Of course not. But I still feel a tremendous sense of guilt especially when it comes to my kids. They needed me and there were days when I could hardly lift my head. My heart broke each time I couldn’t do something for them. I was angry when they had to struggle without me. They had to step it up and do so much on their own. Things that I normally would do for them or with them. They missed out on our talks. Moments that they used to deflate from their day or share their excitements. They handled stress and problems without me. Again. It broke me.

Today my son George graduates from high school. Goodness I love this kid of mine! He is gentle, kind, compassionate and brilliant. And throughout this past school year he grew into so much more. He matured naturally but also because he had to. He didn’t fight it. He never acted out. He wasn’t bitter. He just went with it. He helped so much. He took on so much. And he accomplished so much. As painful (and wonderful) as it is to admit this, my baby boy grew up in what seems like a few short months. He had to.

Today feels surreal. I want to cry because it’s over and cry from a sense of relief. This was a tough school year but George did it. He finished despite the curve balls life threw at us. And he somehow managed to thrive.

If we are lucky, as parents, sometimes we get a glimpse of reassurance that our kids are READY to take on the world. They get it. They can do this. Those moments when we see clearly that they are exactly what God meant them to be in this time and in this place. I gratefully had many of these moments this school year. They came as a result of time and nature but also out of pain and need. I don’t believe anything happens by chance so I cannot look back on this school year bitterly. All the events that unfolded have delivered us to this day. My baby boy’s graduation day. He got here precisely how he needed to and in a way that has left him better and more capable. What an amazing young man he has become. Indeed.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are proud!!!

“Mornin'” (said The Dreamer to The Realist) …

I do the majority of my walking miles at one of our local parks. It’s a beautiful place and spending time there regularly is one of the highlights of my week. I usually get there quite early in the morning and I often see the same people. My favorite of “The Park People” is an older gentleman who runs. I call him “The Realist”.

I say “Good morning” to everyone I pass. Walking or running, if I’m out there throwing down the miles with you, you will get an acknowledgment from me. Even on a horrible run I will muster up the effort to be friendly. It’s how I roll. And for goodness sake, it’s the polite thing to do.

Anyway, I have learned to only say “Mornin'” to The Realist. Why? Because every time I said “Good Morning” to him he responded back with total realism … and just kept running.

“Good? So far.” 

“Good? I guess”. 

And my favorite, “Morning, meh”.

Now I suppose he might be offensive to some, but he isn’t to me. I appreciate his raw honesty. I respect him for being so in touch with himself that he can’t even fake a “Good morning”. Trust me, I have faked many. We all have. And we shouldn’t have to.

I am a dreamer at heart. My head is always in the clouds. I believe in miracles and put my trust in faith. I eat, breath and sleep hope. Yet I am in awe of the The Realist and the lessons he has unknowingly taught me. I do not believe that he is a random soul who has entered my life. He came when I needed him the most. Our paths crossed when I was ready to learn the lesson only he could teach me. And that lesson is a valuable one. I have learned that it’s OK to just be OK. And that it’s also OK, to not be OK at all. That life can be pretty messy and unpleasant, but it’s YOURS to own. Good, bad or “meh”. You just need to be polite. Be real. And honest … and keep moving forward.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you KEEP IT REAL!!!

We survived …

A holiday. A move home. Three 4-hour dress rehearsals. Two of three (the third being tonight) musical performances. A school cranival. A very important application submission. An AP final exam. And an 18-miler. Ya know, amongst all the other things we normally do around here in a week. I’m lucky we crawled out unharmed. I think …

Well, I hope you all have a day where you survived!!!

What goes around comes around …

I’m not one who believes in Karma, per se. But I do believe that if you put a lot of YUCK out into the world, eventually some of it will find its way back to you. When I’m witness to the fallout of bad behavior I try very hard not to be happy or satisfied by it. I truly feel that’s wrong to do no matter how much myself or someone I love may have been negatively affected by another person’s behavior. Instead, I find myself hoping that they can grow and learn from their mistakes and somehow better the world with their experiences.

Well, I hope you all have a day where what goes around comes around!!!

Finding joy … 

Late last night I had the opportunity to be down in Newport Beach. I was at a place high enough in the city where I could see the marina all lit up. It was lovely. The way the lights twinkled on the water had me in awe. As “present” as I try to remain in my daily life and as thankful as I am for having any moments at all, I am often STRUCK by experiences like this. I am so captivated by the gift that I see in them, that I can’t help but stop and take them all in. I want to feel and appreciate the unexpected beauty that life so generously hands me. It’s times like these that truly feed my soul.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you find your joy!!!