Home for the holidays …

I thought I always understood the saying “home for the holidays”. Let’s face it, it seems pretty straight forward, right? One would assume that it basically means going from one place (your current home) to another (a parents’ home or childhood town) in which you will spend the holidays. Well, I guess it can be JUST that for some. But this year I have learned that it means so much more.

Last night I fell asleep on our couch waiting for Sid to come home from her first semester at college. I have to mention that after an emotional two weeks, I was exhausted. I was out like a light. I guess at some point Libs realized I was not waking up so she covered me with Christmas blankets. Goodness, I have such thoughtful kids!

Anyway, I wanted the house perfect for Sid’s home coming. Although G3 had no interest in being crafty with me, he hung out with me anyway as I made a “Welcome Home” sign and baked cookies. Had Libs not been at a party earlier in the evening, he might have passed the torch to her on that one, HA! But I think he knew I was excited and that I would enjoy the company. Again, I have great kids! And then there was Reese. She was absolutely beside herself knowing that her “Diddy” would be home soon. It just melted my heart.

So our Christmas tree was lit and the eggnog cookies and sign were placed so Sidney could see them upon entering our family room. Everything was as I had hoped for her arrival. I was happy and I tried so hard to wait up for her. Truth be told I have no clue even when I actually fell asleep. But at some point in the middle of the night there she was sitting next to me on the couch when I woke.

It was like a dream. Sid was home. She gave me the longest and sweetest hugs. She knew how much I had missed her, how hard all of this is on me with her being gone. Honestly, I’m in tears just writing about it. I have missed knowing ALL OF US are under one roof. I have missed the feeling of togetherness. And although I couldn’t be happier for her to have the opportunity to chase her dreams, I am on some level, still continuing to adjust to the heart break of her leaving. But in that moment, when my eyes opened and I saw her there, the pain of missing her was replaced with joy. WE were all together again. It didn’t matter to me that everyone else was asleep. My world and the people who matter the most to me, the people who are literally a part of me, were all … right … there. You see, “home for the holidays”, doesn’t just mean going home, it means feeling complete again. Or at least it does for me.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you get to go home for the holidays!!!

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Complete …

Sid came home from college today. I can’t believe how good it feels to have her back. My heart and soul are at peace. This is how my life feels most right. We are all together again and I feel a sense of relief.

THEY say that when you have children they become a physical extension of you. That your heart is literally walking around outside of your body. I agree, that this is spot on. I have not felt right since the day we left Sidney at school in August. I have missed her. I have felt “off” and like things are not the way they should be. It’s like a piece of me went missing.

I’ve been told that over time, these feelings get better. That their absence gets more tolerable. That life between their visits becomes more normal as the years pass. And although I see glimpses of this now, I am in no way near living in that state full time. I miss my daughter horribly. Every. Single. Day.

Trust be told, I’m OK never accepting that life as we knew it is no longer. Why? Because relationships this powerful deserve the respect of our true feelings. Loving so genuinely comes with a process, and on some levels that means feeling grief. Grief is something I learned to make peace with long ago. And in this particular situation, I find comfort in knowing that my grief stems from something wonderful. My baby girl, out there, chasing her dreams and becoming the woman she wants to be. There is a beauty in that. It makes her absence acceptable. Understandable. And as a mother, it is everything I could ever want for her.

That being said, today, with her here, all is right in my world. Balance has been restored. That part of me that was missing has been found. I feel whole again. And I simply couldn’t be happier.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel complete!!!