Driving away …

Today we leave this town. Today we leave my son George at his college knowing that we won't see him again for two months. This is hard. This is going to be the most difficult day in this whole process so far. I've lived this once before with Sid. I didn't do it gracefully. I cried. Heck, I sobbed. I wasn't myself for a good week and even then I was pretty sketchy. I expect the same will happen again. And I make no excuses. It's not every day that you get in your car and leave your child knowing that you won't see them again for months. I joke and say that this whole thing would be easier if I hadn't been the one to teach my kids how to use a spoon! Seriously, they went from not being able to feed themselves to leaving for college in what seems to be a really short time. Logically I know that I had about 17 years from spoon usage learning to college classes but today that gap in time doesn't seem nearly long enough today. I selfishly want more time with George. But my love for him somehow allows me to also want this new life for him even more. And even though I don't think I'll ever feel ready for it, I know that he is.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you drive away!!!

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Happily sad … 

Sid went back to school today. BIG SIGH. Don’t get me wrong. I can’t be more thankful that she was heathy enough to return. Her recovery from the cardiac ablation was quick and her doctors saw no reason for her not to return to San Francisco for her second semester. I love that her dreams weren’t put on hold. Knowing she is back there makes me smile. She loves that city and her school. She’s chasing her dreams and that fills my heart with joy.

But darn … I can’t help that I miss her so much already.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are happily sad!!!

It never gets easier …

Sid left to go back to school today. BIG sigh. I know she will be home for Christmas in less than three weeks, but it still made me sad to put her on that plane. BIG sigh … again. I wonder if this ever feels good? If it ever comes naturally? Or if it ever stops feeling so awful? 

Well, I hope you all have a day where it gets easier!!!

Complete …

Sid came home from college today. I can’t believe how good it feels to have her back. My heart and soul are at peace. This is how my life feels most right. We are all together again and I feel a sense of relief.

THEY say that when you have children they become a physical extension of you. That your heart is literally walking around outside of your body. I agree, that this is spot on. I have not felt right since the day we left Sidney at school in August. I have missed her. I have felt “off” and like things are not the way they should be. It’s like a piece of me went missing.

I’ve been told that over time, these feelings get better. That their absence gets more tolerable. That life between their visits becomes more normal as the years pass. And although I see glimpses of this now, I am in no way near living in that state full time. I miss my daughter horribly. Every. Single. Day.

Trust be told, I’m OK never accepting that life as we knew it is no longer. Why? Because relationships this powerful deserve the respect of our true feelings. Loving so genuinely comes with a process, and on some levels that means feeling grief. Grief is something I learned to make peace with long ago. And in this particular situation, I find comfort in knowing that my grief stems from something wonderful. My baby girl, out there, chasing her dreams and becoming the woman she wants to be. There is a beauty in that. It makes her absence acceptable. Understandable. And as a mother, it is everything I could ever want for her.

That being said, today, with her here, all is right in my world. Balance has been restored. That part of me that was missing has been found. I feel whole again. And I simply couldn’t be happier.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel complete!!!

A new kind of goodbye … 

Today we officially said goodbye to Sidney. It’s not a final goodbye, of course, those hurt the worst. But it’s also not an “I’ll see you later” kind of goodbye either. This is a goodbye I have never experienced before. It’s a goodbye that assumes so much. Yes, we will see her again, and probably a lot sooner than it feels. But it is a goodbye entwined with change and an incredible amount of raw emotions. Life as we know it is done and gone. We are saying good bye to what we have known as HOME for the past almost 18 years. And we are left to redefine our “normal”. That is what this goodbye means.

And no, this isn’t the worst goodbye in the world, but it is certainly one I am unfamiliar with. I don’t know if I’ll ever really grow to like this kind of goodbye either. It hurts and it is uncomfortable. Truthfully I don’t think I’ve cried this much in a very long time. But as much pain that is involved in this goodbye I would want it no other way. Because this goodbye is also tied to the hopes and dreams of a beautiful young woman who is ready to start a life of her own … and I simply couldn’t be happier for her.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you say a new kind of goodbye!!!

Friends for life …

Yesterday I got to spend time with some of my sorority sisters from college. One of us is moving away with her beautiful family to start a new life in a different state. We are all so happy for them … but also so sad.

Thankfully over the years we have learned that we don’t have to live under the same sorority house roof to stay close. We have all “grown up”, started careers and families … lives outside of that house with a big pink and green triangle and “Z” mounted on the wall. But we “moved on” with the knowledge that we shared special times long ago that literally bound us for life. I would be lying if I said these women didn’t help shape me into the woman I am today. They did … and I am so grateful. And when we get together, no matter how much time as passed, we are just like we were all those years ago when we had ponytails in our hair and were wearing our sorority letters. Our sisterhood is truly is a gift.

So as our lives begin to take on more changes, twists in our roads, we go forward with the knowledge that time, nor distance, will matter. We share a history and a love that our hearts will never forget. And we will be there for one another … for life.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are thankful to have friends for life!!!

A life of her own …

At college I lived in my sorority house. At any given time I either shared a room with one to four of my sorority sisters. Tonight and tomorrow my daughter Sidney and I are staying in dorm rooms at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco on a hospitality stay. This is a new one for me, but it’s similar enough to my college experience to send the memories flooding back to me. The fun, the friendship, college life. It’s seems so long ago, but also, just like yesterday.

I am so excited for Sidney. She has loved being here. This university is hard to hate. As a parent I want to be critical, but they are making it impossible. The programs and faculty are very impressive. And I can’t deny that Sidney seems to fit in here … naturally.

As I lay here in this unfamiliar room, listening to the nighttime sounds of this big city, it seems so foreign to me. To her. But I know, that if Sidney does choose to come to college here, that all of this will become like home to her. Her home.

This city.
This school.
These sounds.
All grown up.
And on her own.
Wow.

Well, I hope you all had a day where you watched your daughter start to make a life of her own!!!