Letting go (and crying AGAIN) …

It's getting close. REAL close. George's college move-in date is just next week. Again, this whole process is absolutely exciting and also utterly heartbreaking. How I view HOME is going to, once again, change. It is a change that does not come easily or without pain. At least not for me.

I have always had a great relationship with George. Conversations come easy. We are close. He knows how much I love him and how much I want for him. I couldn't be prouder of the man he has become. He is ready to take on the world. He knows that I believe that he has what it takes to achieve all
of his goals and more. To put it simply, we have talked it all out.

But there is one conversion I had not had with George yet. At least not until yesterday. And boy, it was a DOOZY.

Yesterday Facebook memories reminded me that I had the same conversation with Sidney two years ago just before she left for college. It was to date, the most painful and difficult conversation I had ever had as a parent. But it had to be done … for her. I had planned on having the same conversation with George this week so I decided that yesterday was as good a day as any to have it. Yes, I decided that yesterday was going to be THAT day, and I gave myself permission not to like any of it.

So yesterday I had, for the second time in my life, the hardest most difficult conversation I have ever had with my child. I looked at George and I told him that no matter where life took him, wherever I was, he would always have a home with me. That he would be welcomed back, loved, and cared for. And then I took a big breath, held back my tears (not very well) and told him that it was also OK if he chose to just make his return home a pit stop. Temporary. Short. Brief. I told him that if his life and his dreams lead him on long or frequent travels to far away places, that I would understand. I told him to enjoy every second of his journeys. To truly LIVE and LEARN. To explore the world and find where he fits. And most importantly, I told him to take chances because great things didn't happen to people who always played it "safe". And then I explained to him why, despite all the heartache, I felt this way. I told him that my love for him has allowed me to find great joy in knowing that he is chasing his dreams and becoming the man he has envisioned … even if all of it takes him away from me.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you let go!!!

Complete …

Sid came home from college today. I can’t believe how good it feels to have her back. My heart and soul are at peace. This is how my life feels most right. We are all together again and I feel a sense of relief.

THEY say that when you have children they become a physical extension of you. That your heart is literally walking around outside of your body. I agree, that this is spot on. I have not felt right since the day we left Sidney at school in August. I have missed her. I have felt “off” and like things are not the way they should be. It’s like a piece of me went missing.

I’ve been told that over time, these feelings get better. That their absence gets more tolerable. That life between their visits becomes more normal as the years pass. And although I see glimpses of this now, I am in no way near living in that state full time. I miss my daughter horribly. Every. Single. Day.

Trust be told, I’m OK never accepting that life as we knew it is no longer. Why? Because relationships this powerful deserve the respect of our true feelings. Loving so genuinely comes with a process, and on some levels that means feeling grief. Grief is something I learned to make peace with long ago. And in this particular situation, I find comfort in knowing that my grief stems from something wonderful. My baby girl, out there, chasing her dreams and becoming the woman she wants to be. There is a beauty in that. It makes her absence acceptable. Understandable. And as a mother, it is everything I could ever want for her.

That being said, today, with her here, all is right in my world. Balance has been restored. That part of me that was missing has been found. I feel whole again. And I simply couldn’t be happier.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you feel complete!!!

Getting started …

I made it two weeks. No nothing. No running. No cross training. Um. No sanity. HA! But tomorrow all that changes! Back to the gym I go to begin getting my life back.

I still can’t run or do any leg work but I’ve learned that being a better runner is an all over body experience. At least for me. All roads lead back to running for me. I don’t just work out. I’m not just a gym goer. In fact I hate the gym. Blah. Everything I do physically has a purpose and has since I decided I wanted to run more seriously 9 long years ago. I want to be the best runner I can be. Period. End of story.

This time off has not been pleasant. My sleep is off. I’m eating like crazy. And I just don’t feel like myself. But I’ve really tried to focus on the positive things. Like all the other things I do, this rest is only going to make me a stronger and healthier runner. A runner more able, and determined, to make her dreams come true.

You see, this time my dreams are kinda HUGE. Again, at least for me. I know it might take some time and a whole lotta effort to figure it all out. But. I. Am. Ready.

This time there is no TRY … it’s just DO. I want this. Badly. I am excited to start becoming the runner I need to be to chase my dreams. I know how blessed I am to have the opportunity to begin this journey. And hopefully, in just a few more weeks, the healthy legs I need to get to where I want to go.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you look forward to getting started!!!