Highly caffeinated …

I woke up at 3 a.m. AGAIN. After putting up a good fight, I eventually gave into my insomnia and got up and worked at my computer for a little while. Then I did a few things around the house before I headed out for my 5-miler. It’s insane to think that I had to kill time before I left. But trust me. It is WAY LESS weird to run at 5 a.m. than it is at 3:30a.m. HA! When I got back from my run I made myself some coffee and I got ready for my day. I got my girls off to school and then I met a friend for breakfast (which included a whole lot more of coffee). Afterward, I ran a TON of errands. Iced tea in tow. Then I did some more Christmas shopping. I’m sure at some point, when all that coffee and tea wear off, that I will just collapse from exhaustion. But until then, I’ll be thankful that I had a little help (OK, HUGE AMOUNTS) to get through my day.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are highly caffeinated!!!

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Do what you gotta do …

Today I had my annual mammogram. It’s always a little nerve racking for me, as I would assume it is for all women. It’s incredibly hard to sit there calmly when I have to answer questions about my mom and the disease that took her life. I literally want to jump out of my skin. Today I decided to have no coffee before I left for my appointment. Sleepy and lazy is way more beneficial to me sitting there waiting for my name to be called, than amped up on caffeine and nutty. Trust. Me.

I arrived to the hospital early and got called back very quickly. I was in and out of there 10 minutes before my scheduled appointment time. WOW! It all went as usual but the tech took some extra images. That freaked me out a little until she explained why. She actually showed me why on my images. My boobs for didn’t fit in the whole image frame. HA! This happened to me years ago. I believe I was told that they try to use the same size imaging plates every year for continuity, so if you gain or lose weight that can alter what they see. I was fine once my tech told me why and thanked her for being thorough.

Anyway, for me mammograms will always be scary. I will never go into one anxiety-free. Nor will I feel relieved until I get my results. Mammograms are, at minimum, very uncomfortable and can be downright painful. I will always want to cancel my appointment, but I will show up anyway. And … I will always stand in front of the mirror in the dressing room and take a good long look at myself before I go in to the imaging room. It is here where I ground myself in my truth.

I am Donna’s daughter.

And yes, she died of Breast Cancer.

But I am also me.

I am who God created, and I have my OWN life journey.

It does not have to be the same as my mother’s.

Perhaps one day it could be.

But for now, I will just take care of myself in the best ways I know how. Even if it terrifies me to do so.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you do what you gotta do!!!

Decaffeinated …

Late this afternoon I realized I had no coffee today. NO. COFFEE. I wasn’t even trying not to. I just started this day CRAZY busy and it stayed that way all day. You would think that it would have occurred to me that I hadn’t had coffee at 1 pm when I realized I hadn’t eaten yet either. Seriously, it was one of THOSE days. But honestly, I’m in shock. As an avid coffee drinker I’m at a loss. How? I somehow survived the whole day with NO COFFEE. I didn’t die. No one was harmed. And the world didn’t end. Whoda thunk?!?!

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are decaffeinated!!!

That hot, hilly, and windy 20-miler was so much fun (said no runner ever) …

Today I ran my 20-miler. I have been physically and mentally preparing for it all week. This is a big one. Huge. I couldn’t wait to get it under my (fuel) belt. And then I woke up.

I woke up to the sound of wind. As I started to get ready I realized the wind wasn’t letting up, so I checked the weather report. High wind advisory. SWELL. I already knew I would be racing against time to avoid the heat, which wouldn’t be an easy battle because I mapped out 10 miles of hills for myself. Wind was not going to make anything easier. Not. At. All. But I laced up and got out there anyway. Somehow I survived and lived to write about it. Here’s how it all went down:

Mile 1: The wind appears to have died down. Run woman run!

Miles 2: I was wrong … the wind did not die down.

Mile 3: Suspicious stranger sighting. I’m glad I have my pepper spray but with all the wind I figure using it could backfire. I determine I can out run him. My paranoia subsides.

Mile 4: My left hamstring woke up and is pissed we aren’t still in bed. I also come to the realization that everyone in my neighborhood is still asleep. I am overwhelmed with jealousy.

Mile 5: 10,000 steps. Whatever Fitbit, whatever.

Mile 6: Gusts. I hate them and all the debris that comes with them. Ouch.

Mile 7: I wonder why I didn’t register for the Donate Life 5k that is this weekend. It’s practically in my backyard. Then I realize I would have had to run it over 6 times to get all my miles in. I calculate 6 race entry fees. I am happy I can still do simple math. This skill will be dead to me soon.

Mile 8: Cyclists pass me. I notice all their butts. I conclude that my butt is too big to fit on a bike seat.

Mile 9: The downhill. This is just mind trickery to build my confidence … the REAL hills are coming.

Mile 10: I’m at the gates of Hell. Let the hill repeats begin.

Mile 11: Branches are falling from the trees. Sure let’s make this a terrifying obstacle course too. Because I obviously need THAT in my life.

Mile 12: Blood, sweat and gagging. I REALLY hate hills. Oh and MORE WIND.

Mile 13: If wind was a person I would call it a bad name … and punch it in the throat.

Mile 14: I’m pretty sure everything is chapped.

Mile 15: What fresh hell is this?

Mile 16: Pulling out the big guns. Electrolytes with extra caffeine. This will either get me to the end of this run or give me a heart attack. At this point I see it going either way. 

Mile 17: A brief encounter with feeling TOTALLY BITCHEN. In your face haters. I GOT THIS.

Mile 18: BITCHEN feeling gone. I start my run home. I remember that it’s uphill. I am running into the sun and have a constant headwind. I cry a little and question my sanity.

Mile 19: My ability to do simple math is gone. Everything hurts. I am pretty sure running is very bad for you.

Mile 20: DONE. Elated and thankful. It is over. I did it. And I am pretty sure that once the feeling of wanting to throw-up leaves my body I will want to eat my weight in donuts.

The 20 miler. Even under the best of circumstances I have never found this distance easy. Today was unbelievably hard. It beat my tush. But I have learned over the years that if I try hard enough I can find humor in even the most difficult runs. I gotta say, I like that about myself.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you laugh yourself through some tough times!!!

Wide awake, frustrated and math is dumb …

Since going back to school my caffeine intake has increased. I would say even tripled on some days. Truth be told, I’m not sure if it’s helping me or hurting me. I’m either learning stuff REALLY fast, or NOT learning stuff REALLY fast. One thing is for sure though. Anything that requires me to do math fast is not good. It makes my brain hurt … and makes me want to shred my textbooks with my bare teeth, set fire to the remnants … and spit on their ashes.

OK, so it appears the increase in caffeine may have a few negative effects on me. But at least I’m not sleeping through it. Swell.


Oh, and for the record, math is dumb.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you aren’t wide awake and frustrated!!!

I learned my lesson …

I have mentioned before that the first Thursday of every month is the busiest day for me. I am running all over the place all day long. By the time I get home from facilitating the support group at the the Down Syndrome Association it is usually close to 10 p.m. Because I know these Thursdays are long I tend to consume an abundance of caffeine all day long. This, however, is never good. By the time my day is over I’m a jittery, talkative, exhausted mess with racing thoughts … and I really have to pee. I swear to myself I will NEVER have that much caffeine ever again in my life. Oddly … I always do the same thing the following month. Big sigh.

Well, I hope you all had a day where you finally learned your lesson!!!

Climbing out of my skin …

I must have had too much caffeine this morning because I was anxious all day. On top of that, Thursday is usually the busiest day of my week, but today it was EXTRA busy. So needless to say, my heart racing, teeth clinching, jitteriness and generalized impatience was just a down right unpleasant addition.

Not. Fun.

But now I can take a deep breath, enjoy my tea, and be thankful this beast of a day is over … and if all goes well tonight, I’m pretty sure I’ll get another one tomorrow, to do better.

Well, I hope you all had a day where you didn’t feel like climbing out of your own skin!!!