Happily falling apart …

Most people who know me would say that I hold it together unusually well during times of stress and change. I deal with things straightforward. What’s on my plate that day, gets my effort and attention. When I was younger I was a worry wart. I was anxious about EVERYTHING. That all faded away. Now I save my efforts for the real stuff and even then I remain pretty calm. And optimistic. It drives my crew crazy sometimes. I think they want to see more “emotion” out of me. Trust me, I am one emotional woman. I’m a crier. I laugh at just about everything. And I’m usually the happiest person in the room. But when it comes to stressful situations or change I just gave up freaking out about them. It’s way easier to just deal with them. In a “matter-of-fact” kind of way I muddle through the tough times. I do make a TON of lists. They tend to keep me focused. Plus they are a great visual for me to measure my progress through the problem or situation I’m currently in the thick of.

Regardless of what I’ve been dealing with, when the day comes when I feel like I am finally passed it, I tend to fall apart. I’ll cry more, sleep like a rock and sometimes I get sick. It’s like my mind and body can finally let their defenses down. It’s funny. Even though this is when I feel like a mess, it’s also a time when I feel my strongest. It’s like earning another battle scar. And it’s a reminder that I am a survivor. Again.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you happily fall apart!!!

Unsettled …

Maybe I’m just a really anxious person, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being a passenger in a car where my child is the driver. Being driven around by a person who I personally fastened into their infant car seat and carrier is just a little freaky in my opinion.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you don’t feel unsettled!!!

Grateful … 

Today I had another doctor appointment and it went great! As frustrated as I am with the bouts of fatigue I am still experiencing, my doctor told me that I am still doing WAY better than I think I am. It made me very happy to hear that. Sometimes when we are in the thick of things we don’t always see what others do. I know I sure don’t.

It’s been almost four months since I got sick. I have had the best medical care and have been treated with the most compassionate bedside manner throughout this whole ordeal. As disruptive and anxiety provoking as this has all been, I couldn’t be happier with my medical team. They really are my biggest cheerleaders.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are grateful!!!

An unbreakable spirit at the beginning … again …

When I first started racing it was very important to me that I accomplish every distance in order. So I ran a 5K. Then I ran a 10K. Then I ran a half marathon. And then I ran a marathon. If someone were to have made me do those out of order the anxiety would have given me a heart attack. No joke. I am THAT person.

Distance running was always my goal. But I have the utmost respect for every distance. I’ll be honest, I think running a 5K is way harder then running a half marathon or marathon. The strategy required and the stress that is packed into those 3 miles is incredible!

Anyway, today I set out with one running goal. To run a 5K. I didn’t care how fast or how slow I finished it. I just wanted to finish. It has been a hellacious 7 weeks since I last ran that far and I really wasn’t sure if I could do it. But I did. And it was really hard. But that’s OK because it’s over with. I got past that distance hurdle, again. It came with a lot of anxiety and quite a few tears, but I got past it.

I am blessed to be able to run again. I definitely wasn’t able to do this 7 weeks out the last time I had meningitis. I’m not sure where all this strength is coming from, amidst all the fatigue I still feel. God really humbles you. His gifts honestly make no sense sometimes. But I am utterly grateful that I am being given another chance to chase my dreams. Dreams that seem so big right now that they appear foolish. But then I remind myself that I had those same feelings of foolishness the mornings that I stood on all those start lines for the very first time. So are these dreams foolish now? Nah. I’d like to believe that they are just proof of an unbreakable spirit.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you know that this is just the beginning … again!!!

Get over it … 

Reese has a bit of a cold. It’s hardly anything but then last night she started coughing. Not a horrible cough but it kept her up and restless for about 2 hours. I’m not sure about other parents but once a cough enters the picture, I freak out. Honestly Reese doesn’t even have a fever and last night you would have thought I had lost my mind. I ended up sleeping the rest of the night with her in her bed, jumping at her every movement and checking her countless times to see if she had a fever. Perhaps I’m suffering from a little PTSD from all her sick months prior to her tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy last March. That was such a rough time! But she has been so healthy since then, it’s such a blessing! In the midst of acting like a crazy woman last night, I realized that I really do need to calm the heck down. Good lordy.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you get over it!!!

Figuring it out …

G3 is a junior in high school and this week we began our 2016 College Tour Palooza. Today we visited two more universities, California State University, Channel Island and Pepperdine. It was a long day and we are all on a bit of information overload. G3 is very cautious and is extremely thoughtful in his decision making. He is interested in three areas of study: economics, political science and physics. He is also playing with the idea of law school. And we know that ALL of this can change when he wakes up in the morning, HA!

I’ll be honest, requiring children as young as 16, which he is, to pick a field they will work in for … the … rest … of … their … lives … is almost cruel. And it is not something that G3 has taken lightly. Despite his father and I telling him that he can’t possibly do irreparable harm to his education by switching majors, he is still very worried that he will make a “mistake”. Poor kid!

Sadly, the time has come when we MUST consider where he will go to college after he graduates from high school next year. We are using the three majors he is currently interested in as a guide to which colleges we will consider. Ideally we will find colleges that offer all three majors, but we will settle for colleges that have at least two of the three. This way he can switch majors without too much difficulty, if he finds he likes one more than the other.

So this week we began easing him into college hunting. And I am happy to report that it has gone as well as a mom could hope. After three college visits (we visited California State University, Fullerton the other day) his anxiety is fading. He is becoming more comfortable just being on a college campus. He is more confident and the conversations about choosing his future school seem less overwhelming to him. He is finally seeing that being young is his time to consider all his options. To evolve into what feels right. And that changing his course or direction is acceptable. Even if he does it once. Twice. Maybe even three times. He understands that it’s OK to not have all the answers right now, and learning that eventually they will come. As reluctant as G3 was to start this whole process, this evening he turned to me and said, “This was a good day.”

Yep, he’s getting there … and I couldn’t be prouder.

Well, I hope you all had a day where you started to enjoy figuring it out!!!

I thought I was in the clear …

For years I have presented with a unique problem at my dermatology appointment. What? Oddly, it’s not skin related! It’s my blood pressure.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had to follow up with my regular physician to have my blood pressure rechecked after a dermatology appointment. Seriously, it skyrockets. This doesn’t happen at any other doctor appointment I have. And trust me, I have some unpleasant appointments I need to got to! It completely confuses everyone. Except me.

About 10 years ago I was coming up with a lot of skin damage. Not cancerous, just a lot of dry spots that they didn’t want to lead to anything worse later. So I was getting TONS of freezings twice a year at my appointments. And quite honestly it scared the poo out of me. Those freezings hurt like heck too! Especially when you are having 10 or more at a time. And I don’t know about you guys, but I am really not a fan of standing in my undies pointing out all my skin flaws to anyone. Those particular years when a handsome young doctor was “filling in,” made it even more horrific. So I totally get WHY my blood pressure goes up!

Anyway, I am happy to say that over the past several years my need for freezings has become almost nonexistent. And I guess this contributed to my new found lack of anxiety this morning at my now ONLY once yearly appointment. Reflected by … PERFECT BLOOD PRESSURE! I was so incredibly happy! I was finally relaxing and settling in to the idea of freezings not being a routine thing anymore. GO ME!

Aaaaaaand, then my doctor came in.

She did my skin check and found that I needed five freezings. OY.

Next year, I’ll just go ahead and schedule two appointments. One with my dermatologist and the other to have my blood pressure rechecked. Again. BIG SIGH.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you thought you were in the clear!!!