Waiting is the hardest part …

Tick tock. Pace. Pace. Blink. Blink. BIG sigh. Ugh.

Well, I hope you all have a day where waiting is the hardest part!!!

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Spinning …

We have had a busy summer. It's been fun but we have been on the go since George's graduation day in June. It's honestly been a whirlwind. The past few days we have had at home we spent catching up on life. And by life I mean laundry, HA! Well, that was part of it anyway. But we also had even more running around to do. Ugh. Next week Sid is moving into her new house and George will be moving into his dorm. So we had lots of shopping and packing that needed to be done this week. Not to mention Libs and Reese! Luckily they have a few more weeks of summer left so I still have some time to get their back-to-school things in order. Thank. God.

Last night George and I finished the last of our errands to get him ready for college. I felt so relieved! So relieved that I think my body shut down when I went to sleep last night. I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in. Ouch. And I was rudely reminded by my body that I drank no water yesterday. How is that even possible?!?! Busy anxious mom-ness is how that is possible! Needless to say I was so dizzy when I woke up that I could hardly walk. I guess my body has had quite enough of this summer schedule and has decided it's time for me to rest. OK, fine … I'll reluctantly listen.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you aren't spinning!!!

Head in the clouds …

I’ve always been a dreamer. I think it is one of my biggest flaws and one of my greatest blessings. Even when I was a young woman filled with anxiety I still managed to dream BIG. Now that I’m older many of my anxieties have fallen by the wayside which leaves lots of room for dreaming. I think that by allowing myself to dream I have had a better stronghold on hope. It really has worked for me in just about every situation I’ve been in. Even the really ugly ones. I think the ability to dream has also allowed me to maintain a certain measure of flexibility in my thoughts. If one thing doesn’t work out exactly the way I had hoped it can be easily modified. My thinking can be changed, and before I even realize it a new dream is in place. Some things have to change to bring us to the right place in our lives or to help us reach our goals, right?!?! From the bottom of my heart I believe that both God and the universe direct me in the way I need to go. I find so much comfort in that. Rigidity definitely has no place in this dreamer’s life. With all the twists and turns my life has taken I think rigidity would have been the end of my happiness. My soul would have deflated like a balloon decades ago. My spirit would have been crushed. Dreaming has kept me happy and hopeful. So … I guess I’ll just stick with it.

Well, I hope you all have a day where your head is in the clouds!!!

Happily falling apart …

Most people who know me would say that I hold it together unusually well during times of stress and change. I deal with things straightforward. What’s on my plate that day, gets my effort and attention. When I was younger I was a worry wart. I was anxious about EVERYTHING. That all faded away. Now I save my efforts for the real stuff and even then I remain pretty calm. And optimistic. It drives my crew crazy sometimes. I think they want to see more “emotion” out of me. Trust me, I am one emotional woman. I’m a crier. I laugh at just about everything. And I’m usually the happiest person in the room. But when it comes to stressful situations or change I just gave up freaking out about them. It’s way easier to just deal with them. In a “matter-of-fact” kind of way I muddle through the tough times. I do make a TON of lists. They tend to keep me focused. Plus they are a great visual for me to measure my progress through the problem or situation I’m currently in the thick of.

Regardless of what I’ve been dealing with, when the day comes when I feel like I am finally passed it, I tend to fall apart. I’ll cry more, sleep like a rock and sometimes I get sick. It’s like my mind and body can finally let their defenses down. It’s funny. Even though this is when I feel like a mess, it’s also a time when I feel my strongest. It’s like earning another battle scar. And it’s a reminder that I am a survivor. Again.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you happily fall apart!!!

Unsettled …

Maybe I’m just a really anxious person, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being a passenger in a car where my child is the driver. Being driven around by a person who I personally fastened into their infant car seat and carrier is just a little freaky in my opinion.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you don’t feel unsettled!!!

Grateful … 

Today I had another doctor appointment and it went great! As frustrated as I am with the bouts of fatigue I am still experiencing, my doctor told me that I am still doing WAY better than I think I am. It made me very happy to hear that. Sometimes when we are in the thick of things we don’t always see what others do. I know I sure don’t.

It’s been almost four months since I got sick. I have had the best medical care and have been treated with the most compassionate bedside manner throughout this whole ordeal. As disruptive and anxiety provoking as this has all been, I couldn’t be happier with my medical team. They really are my biggest cheerleaders.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you are grateful!!!

An unbreakable spirit at the beginning … again …

When I first started racing it was very important to me that I accomplish every distance in order. So I ran a 5K. Then I ran a 10K. Then I ran a half marathon. And then I ran a marathon. If someone were to have made me do those out of order the anxiety would have given me a heart attack. No joke. I am THAT person.

Distance running was always my goal. But I have the utmost respect for every distance. I’ll be honest, I think running a 5K is way harder then running a half marathon or marathon. The strategy required and the stress that is packed into those 3 miles is incredible!

Anyway, today I set out with one running goal. To run a 5K. I didn’t care how fast or how slow I finished it. I just wanted to finish. It has been a hellacious 7 weeks since I last ran that far and I really wasn’t sure if I could do it. But I did. And it was really hard. But that’s OK because it’s over with. I got past that distance hurdle, again. It came with a lot of anxiety and quite a few tears, but I got past it.

I am blessed to be able to run again. I definitely wasn’t able to do this 7 weeks out the last time I had meningitis. I’m not sure where all this strength is coming from, amidst all the fatigue I still feel. God really humbles you. His gifts honestly make no sense sometimes. But I am utterly grateful that I am being given another chance to chase my dreams. Dreams that seem so big right now that they appear foolish. But then I remind myself that I had those same feelings of foolishness the mornings that I stood on all those start lines for the very first time. So are these dreams foolish now? Nah. I’d like to believe that they are just proof of an unbreakable spirit.

Well, I hope you all have a day where you know that this is just the beginning … again!!!