I forgot to factor something into my Sunday morning. It wasn’t a guarantee being so early so I proceeded with my plan. I wanted to wake up before everyone else, do some yoga and some serious stretching and then go for a short run. I don’t normally run on Sunday but I felt I needed it. I thought it was all A GO, but then my favorite 9 year old, who went to sleep really early last night, woke up. I know that Reese is mine, but there is absolutely nothing sweeter than seeing this messy-haired, tired-eyed peanut drag all of her favorite blankets (there are three of them now) and her heavy rice-stuffed lamb, Kellie, into my room to cuddle. My world stops for her. I don’t even know how to not stop it. It just happens naturally and all of my heart and intentions turn to her. Nothing else seems more important. Nothing.
Well, I hope you all have a day where your plans get happily interrupted!!!
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. BIG SIGH. It’s always a tough day for me. How can it not be? I miss my mom terribly. Over the past 21 years I have made every effort to make it through the day without feeling profound sadness. Sadly, more times than not, I fail.
Don’t get me wrong, I love spending the day with my children. I am thankful that they make an effort to make me feel very special and loved. And not just on mom-based holidays either!
There is, however, a certain underlying melancholy that goes hand in hand with celebrating Mother’s Day when you no longer have a mom to celebrate it with. There is a physical ache that goes along with being in being in this situation. It is the truest and rawest form of heart brokenness. Put simply, I want my mommy.
Tomorrow I am going to give it my best effort to not be down. I want to allow myself to feel all the happiness that the day can bring me as a mother. And I want to celebrate both sides of motherhood.
Being a mom to the most wonderful kids I could ever hope for, makes it pretty easy to celebrate actually being a mother. They are truly my greatest joy and my love for them is immeasurable.
Tomorrow I will also celebrate the memories of my mother. Knowing that even though it was a relationship that didn’t last nearly long enough, it continues to be one of the most pure of my life time. An unconditional love that transcends both time and absence. A love so strong that it continues to shape me, comfort me and give me strength years after it’s departure.
After 21 years I know that tomorrow will be about balancing laughter and tears. I will cry because I miss her. Still and forever. Because I love her, just as much as I did the day that I held her hand and watched her take her last breath.
But I will also laugh tomorrow. A lot. I will laugh with my children who are literally my heart. The ones who I love more than anyone else that I will ever know. They are my greatest gift in life. Laced in the echoing of our laughter together will be the memory of the woman who taught me how to laugh. She taught me to laugh long and hard and loud … whenever I could … and especially with those I love most.
Well, I hope you all have a day where you make the best of things!!!